Laugh, Cry, Eat, Yeah (Yeah, yeah, etc. ) / Fuji x100f / Kaimuki
Shortly after meeting one of my Kumu, Kumu Pa'a Lawrence Aki, and prior to taking his Luna Ho'oponopono course amidst peak pandemic meh-dness, I sat deep in meditation in February of 2021.
Time was running up to the one-year mark after Dad passed and the weight of the grief cast against the backdrop of the on-again, off-again lockdown waves was magnified by the light shining upon some really great things unfolding in both my personal live (getting engaged) and career (co-created a modern opera production as in, after eight years they listened, which truth be told, that was all Andrew so thank you, buddy!).
While I was truly happy and fulfilled, I could not shake this hollow feeling that was within. On the surface, that emptiness was touched by the deep loss, but I believe it’s something that if I’m honest is always there.
Years earlier, one of my closest friends/mentors/hanai family members, Henry aka Hank, shared with me an experience he had from meditation where he saw/felt both joy and sorrow sitting side-by-side.
“If you look around the table, you started to see All the Guests, and not just those seated next to you…” - The Many Loves of ‘Tako’ Aurelius
Those thoughts have circled back in my own journey on several occasions where I’ve also felt such contrast simultaneously, maybe not the same feelings, but the polarity of how experiences can be processed/experienced in different situations. It’s like it’s always there but perhaps most noticeable and in ALL CAPS during seasons of loss.
A few such examples that I can point to:
As I visited Mom and Dad about 6 months before his passing. Inspired by a dream that I should go because he was slowing down, there was a moment where I felt sadness and worry because I could see in fact, yes, he was slowing, but simultaneously an overwhelming feeling of so much love and gratitude at just getting to be there nearby as he took a nap.
Headbutting the wall because I was so frustrated and trying to get out of a toxic relationship that had ended, an actual literal and physical experience of hitting my head against the wall, which was painful but led to liberation.
Going through an unexpected break-up, the tears stream down my face but feeling a sense of awe and wonder because despite how that felt, I felt so alive after for a good amount of time being stuck in a state of feeling numb.
I’d surmise if we look deeply, we all have such experience and when I rewind back to that moment in meditation on the lanai before my experience with Kumu Pa'a Lawrence and our cohort, I entered a cave within.
Caves are fascinating. While they are ‘cool’ places in nature, they are event cooler when exploring the symbolism of the visuals that are birthed from our subconscious, the collective unconscious, and all of that which cannot be ‘seen’ in a 3D sense.
As I entered this particular Inner Cave, looking at the limestone that surrounded me, I felt both small, yes vast, and ulimately, it was a mysterious space where I felt at ease. Ahead there was a stone basin, like a standalone sink ahead, moss covered and I walked toward it.
When I arrived and looked within, I saw that it was filled with stones. In that moment, I heard:
Wisdom is the wealth you seek.
I opened my eyes, shocked, inspired, perplexed, curious. I’m a believer that there is Soul Much more to this momentary human experience and this wasn’t the first time I’ve encountered such a profound spiritual DM usually in the form like this that gives an answers with more questions, but as I was grieving, it was the message I needed most, then.
From there…
To be cont.