May is Mental Health Awareness Month
And AANHPI Heritage Month
Both the subject and sub-head above mean a great deal to me. As I’ve gotten older, more do I focus on being an advocate for mental health care and normalizing conversations around the struggles we can all face within.
And as a “half-breed” as one kupuna once called me, hand-in-hand with my persistent depressive disorder has walked identity issues as I never knew “what box do I check?” or where I belonged because none of the “choose one” or “choose two” ever really fit.
Even more so as I’ve explored my DNA story…
I read an essay once about the stereotypes against mixed-race people and the comment that stuck out to me that most was that mixed-race people are confused. Honestly, I found that applicable. To some, I’m not person of color enough, to others, I’m not white, enough, to many, my accent is hard to place. Trying to navigate without a North was tough.
The accent piece is funny because how I sounded was something I could control, whereas how I looked was often:
too much
too little
too this
too that
I have a piece in a new book project I’m finishing up and the title is “Self-Loathing - A Playlist” and when you’re mixed and feeling disconnected from all the different cultures coursing through you, growing up in a place where there’s a mash-up of multiple cultures, it’s honestly, quite confusing. Because I felt so confused, I did often feel a sense of loathing towards myself.
It’s so crazy to look back at the many seasons I’ve weathered and to still be here. I don’t take it for granted for a moment because I know it can all change, in some way, shape, or form, and none of this is guaranteed.
As this month unfolds, I’ll also hit 45 laps through this galaxy around the sun. I mentioned that to an acquaintance earlier in the day and he laughed, and replied, “you’re only just getting started.”
Makes me thing of Young Buddy - the nickname my paternal Grandfather aka Old Buddy gave me.
“You remember, Buddy, you remember.” His last words were to me. Words I’ve mentioned before and while I don’t truly know what he meant, both those words, and his person, I’ll never forget.
When I ran track, I wanted to be a sprinter. While I won most improved award my senior year, I was so much more natural at the distance running and as more distance separates me from my birth year in this incarnation, it feels like I’ve been running, runnin’, run…
But running can be enjoyable and I continue to find more love and beauty in Life the further I get the chance to keep flowing.
I don’t loop the self-loathing playlist anymore and if any tracks come up from it, I do my best to skip it. While we can’t control a great many things, we can control our response to whatever comes. And as challenging as the times can be, there is always so much beauty and joy to be found.
To whoever might be reading these words, may the fourth be with each May, may you also be healthy holistically, and may you be so lucky to know someone who is of AANHPI descent because we are the people of Moananuiākea, and the ocean and its vastness embraces and heals our journeys.
If you are struggling yourself or have struggled with questions of belonging and being, help and resources are available to assist you. It’s okay to ask for help.
Online Resources
https://www.mentalhealthfirstaid.org/mental-health-resources/
https://www.cdc.gov/mental-health/caring/index.html
For Immediate support:
988 - “Today, “988” is the three-digit, nationwide phone number to connect directly to the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. By calling or texting 988, you’ll connect with mental health professionals with the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, formerly known as the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Veterans can press “1” after dialing 988 to connect directly to the Veterans Crisis Lifeline which serves our nation’s Veterans, service members, National Guard and Reserve members, and those who support them. For texts, Veterans should continue to text the Veterans Crisis Lifeline short code: 838255.”
International Association for Suicide Prevention - Offers search by country to helplines and additional resources. https://www.iasp.info/suicidalthoughts/