well, hello there world. it’s been a minute since we’ve kicked it, hasn’t it? it never ceases to amaze me how soul much can transpire yet the constants remain the same. despite that, there has to be something new, right?
well, yes, but it’s one constant in my experience that this musing meanders through with these words. that constant? recently i was diagnosed with a form of depression, dysthmia, or persistent depressive disorder.
and so we begin, eh?
if you’ve been around since the Adventures in Urban Mysticism through The Dream Pusher with everything in between those and since then, that starting phrase often kicked off an exploration of poetic thought, spiritual musings, social commentary in what i thought for many years was my voice, my writing style.
i’d say that first epoch of prolific art making taught and gave me much, but nagging and lingering through all of that was this feeling most times subtle, sometimes intense, not exactly oppressive, yet nontheless, an inescapable dread.
as much as i sought to inspire through my creative and artistic endeavors, i was seeking to be inspired myself. and while that helped me dive deeper into Faith, i realize that had little to do with my spiritual walk. i wrote because i had to, that it was a form of therapy that allowed me to translate what i was processing within.
this all has helped me to weather the inner cycle and turmoil of said dread and has served as wind in my sails to propel me forward.
but what happens the the winds blow the other way?
or worse? what happens when the wind stops?
the recognition that “I am at ease with my unease until I am not” was huge because it helped to avoid wrecking into the wall. it made me recognize that i needed help beyond prayer.
there are those who can get by through prayer alone. i admire that. and while some may view seeking help as weak, i do not. i pray throughout but if there’s one thing i can say with confidence about Faith, as much as we can let go, and let God, we have to be willing to walk the Path set before us, however that should manifest.
after almost 2.5 years, to receive a diagnosis that was interesting because i didn’t take it as an end. my experience with depression is not meant to define my life and it’s strangely liberating because it explains alot.
through therapy, i’ve worked on deconstructing mental constructs that don’t serve greater health and wealth-being. there was a realization that, while i may not have always had this, i don’t recall a time when it wasn’t there and to navigate i have had to wear masks often.
the loss of my Dad, it pushed me to the place where i was no longer at ease with the unease. i could not wear a mask to both hide and shield.
“what you’re doing, working on yourself, it’s hard, it’s tiring, it’s work.”
it really is.
i’ve tried to have some conversations about the a-has as i seek to make sense of a diagnosis that helps to explain a lot about my journey.
if you have a mental illness, and familiar with it, you can recognize how real it is, and how it permeates the world around. it becomes a filter that you can’t unsee. it reminds me a great deal of grief and my experience of wanting to really move beyond goes hand in hand with my grief.
it’s an experience that only one goes through knows.
it’s funny, because again, just understanding more about what makes me, gives me more peace, even if i don’t necessarily feel peaceful. i feel calm, but that’s just a part of the whole.
tbh, i’m calm in general, except when i’m not, but that’s another story.
soul why air all of this? why expose a part of your journey that might not make sense?
because i hope to be a part of the release of the practice for generations where this is just something you don’t talk about. mental health and wellness is and should be something we talk about, without fear, and free from judgment.
writing, communicating, creating, all parts of my personal practice of art therapy.
i am sharing this because i want to be a healthier and happier version of me.
i’ve said it time again, my Dad early on in life taught us to do our best, even if that best was better some days than others. i owe it to myself and all my ancestors to heal as best as i can.
and where Bane told Bruce Wayne, he grew up in Darkness, i can find a bit of art imitates life because if i’m meant to live in a perpetually rainy place metaphorically speaking, i’m going to find beauty in that because guess what, where i grew up, more often than not, there was rain.
lots and lots of rain.
and if i’m meant to shine from time to time like the sun because the second half of my name rhymes with that, i might as well do that too.
i’m wired how i am because that’s just who i am.
it’s for a reason and perhaps has helped me to cultivate a flow of being more compassionate and seeking to be the healthiest version of myself, however that takes shape.
it’s hard to say really because as much as i’ve got some run on this plane of existence, i still feel as though there is so much more for me to explore and experience, to give to this place.
soul long as there is breath to dance alongside the beat-beat of the heart, there is room to grow. and with that, i’m going to hold the space.
- mahalo ke akua -
