As Bev and I wandered into the chapter of our journey of togetherness where we undertake the ritual and step of marriage, many an emotion found me.
I was once told, and have often told the story myself since, that writers live everything twice, the experience itself followed by the recounting of it. As I’ve walked through this, it’s been hard to put into words.
Much like losing my Dad and going through the type of loss for the first time, entering into marriage, and not because we’re getting married, but because as Bev herself told me: “I’ve never been in something like this where my whole heart was in it.” This is much the same.
Throughout my life, I’ve sought connectedness and a place to be and feel safe, however chaotic that may be because the Truth about being vulnerable is that it can be a fucking hot mess. As my struggles with depression have flared up in the past, I’ve never known it possible as an adult to just be, and be okay as you are, however that is, even if it’s not okay. I’ve known the philosophy of it, I wrote a manuscript about it in what I dubbed as “Okay-Ness” but to feel it, breathe it, much different.
There are three levels in realization that I feel compelled to:
Awareness
Understanding/Knowing
Being
In less than five short years that Bev and I have been together we have traveled through so much Life. We have loved, lost, seen the views from the peaks, as well as the depths of the valleys that this experience brings.
Beverly allows me to be, and likewise, I seek to allow and encourage her to do the same. It’s a nice kind of way to live - by just being.
It is our imperfections that make this perfectly imperfect alignment, fit.
And as we have gone through it, celebrating every step and getting to our Union, all the things that have challenged, as well as that which has lifted us up, I can’t help but smile within knowing that despite how 21 year old me thought this box would be checked by 25, and just as even me now wishes my Dad were physically here to share in the experience, that this, exactly how it unfolded, is how it should and was always meant to happen.
I’ve thought long and hard about meaning, specifically how it is each of us who defines the meaning of what happens. At times, that’s gotten me into trouble because it’s jumping the gun to conclusions that seemed foregone, yet here, my ‘what’s the meaning of this?’ is simply that I’m at peace with all of this:
The great joy in feeling we undertook this step together
The sadness I felt at not getting to ask my Dad any advice or thoughts on marriage
The tension and anger at timing of some things beyond our control
The stress of balancing getting married, and all that goes into such an undertaking, with work and the people pleaser who wishes we could have had everyone there - all of our family, loved ones, colleagues, our furry family (Emma, Batman, and Hendrix), even Teddy aka ‘Emma’s boyfriend’!
The beauty, of all of it
Early on in our conversations, Bev expressed that what she sought to experience with someone through love is all of it. And that’s something my prior limits in maturity, patience, and selfishness would not allow me to walk through as I felt as though it wasn’t a great play to be vulnerable.
But through every season, I find more and more that vulnerability is one of the greatest strengths we can cultivate and it is the gift that allowing ourselves to live and and love fully, that we receive and in turn give to the world. In being vulnerable, by opening up to the all of it that abounds on this dinged-up magnificent space ship that we ourselves can find not only inner freedom, but can also see the beauty in what can only be felt, the beauty that is within and wherein we can only connect in feeling.
Truly, all of it.
Acceptance of the untold joys and sorrows that await.
The willingness to embrace the archetypes of The Fool as s/he steps off the cliff just to get a closer glimpse of the horizon and The Creator, owning the manifestation bc the Love is the ultimate manifestation of Divine Beauty and…
I’ll let you in on a secret.
Love is reflected all around. If we’re lucky, we glimpse all of it in passing, in the many reflections that we encounter each day. And beyond luck, if we work to polish the mirror so that we can see the True Beauty etched in all of the reflections, we’ll be able to share the Love, throughout our Journeys via the Light we shine with each blessed breath.
Mahalo ke Akua.
Much, much mahalo.