Grief is something.
It’s as though [INSERT HERE] and All of the Above got together for one of the most memorable collab drops in history and then… it gets remixed by the Hold my Beer meme, over and over and over and over…
Again.
Every new day living through Loss and Change, in particular, the learning and better processing grieving for loss of loved ones, is both wild and amazing.
It’s wild because it’s honestly painful. Obviously.
Yes, we can heal but it’s one of those injuries where things are never quite the same before. Like when I chipped a bone in my right ankle during a bad sprain playing basketball in college, my already limited hops just had less bounce. And there have been a cascade of injuries in different parts of my right leg since that I have to believe are interconnected.
My Life is completely altered by my Dad’s passing. It’s absofuckinglutely 100% undeniably it’s been done changed. The cumulative pile up of loss that I found at 30, while a wonderful learning experience, paled in comparison.
Grieving is a natural part of life, so is pain and because it’s there, there’s a purpose for it. It is up to each of us to pan out and find what’s amazing about pain.
Grieving has been both humbling and beautiful experience.
There has also been soul much beauty throughout as I’ve grown closer to my Mom, and despite missing Dad, she, my brother, our family, and I, have found ways to continue living. That in itself is humbling because even what is most important to us, in the grand scheme, takes a step back for evolution to continue.
One of the first a-ha’s I had, which I found surprising, was that despite being a writer, both naturally having a gift with words while also cultivating the ability to pick up the pen and just flow, I had zero desire to do so. Where I once felt compelled to create thought provoking, soul exploring work every day, it is as though I felt the an awareness to go deeper and be more intentional with what I was creating.
That first year after Dad passed, all the photography that shot was on 35mm, using Lomography’s LomoChrome, because the view, what I saw all around me, had changed, was so altered that only the surreal, who knows how it turns out images were the only thing that made sense.
Another a-ha was how private I sought to be. I didn’t want to write or share too much, especially in the beginning because it took me to a depth of vulnerability that I only felt sharing with a few, if any.
That was really surprising for me because I’ve lived and written as though I was an open book but as I’ve matured over time, I can see the benefit of:
Wait, not yet.
As the one year anniversary of his passing arrived, I began to grow more vocal. I even finally felt the pull to write about it, in my Voice. I don’t think I ever thought I lost my Voice but walking through a world full of restrictions because of Covid, it was really odd. I was also observing the turmoil and anger due to the volatility of American politics, media, and all the racial injustice colliding all at once.
It was like the light flicked on, and I was ready to talk about everything, to focus on self-care. I have often said to friends that I write not because I love it. I write because I have to. Expression is a form of therapy that I need if I am to be okay with what is not at all okay. And all the sh!t overflowing was not okay.
Much of my healing journey has been fueled by a sense of urgency to live. Much earlier I began to see through the illusion that there would ever be a sense of having arrived.
The only true destination is the end and even then, while I can’t say for certain, I believe there to be more beyond this vessel.
I truly believe that this clusterf@ck of Life is sacred which is why I do not understand why so many view others as less than.
One of my least favorite experiences of working in the world of opera was being called “one of the lessers” by a drunken, wealthy donor. An unforgettable, disrespectful experience, probably note event intended to be disrespectful or to leave a lasting impression on a much younger person, but one that illustrates how unintentional we all can be.
I was told early on that we all wake up, have to brush our teeth, and the sun shines on us all just as the rain will bless us as well (unless there’s unprecedented drought due to climate change but that’s a different story, for a different day). Disagree all you want with people who have different views.
Cool.
IMO - Agree to disagree.
But recognize that a different zip-code, socio-economic experience of your family, and pretty much anything added to the recipe could alter the flavor profile.
If anything, grieving has sharpened my view. As I’ve grown, I had more of an awareness of who I am, what I value, and how I seek to live. Much of that can be summed up as doing the best I can, to be a healthier person, caring for others, my community, and most of all, to live and love fully. That to me is All of It.
Grieving the loss of my Dad through the pandemic and all this chaos, makes me want to double-down on all of that because one of his greatest lessons to me was:
Do your best, with some days better than the others. But all that matters is to do the best as can each day. That’s all any can ask.
When I remember that, when I live that, I free myself to be me while also allowing and loving others wherever they are.
Soul much love to all. It is pretty natural to grieve, to know pain, and just a part of experience as change can legit be disruptive. But my hope is rather than grow angrier, we grow to more compassionate that we might lift all up.
A hui hou.